Basic guidelines on how to help

When an adult becomes aware of a young person’s emotional distress or their self-harm, it comes about either because an adult has, through vigilance or information received, developed an opinion that a young person is at risk, or else a young person has taken the initiative in discussing their concerns with an adult.

Firstly, it is worth considering what the qualities are in an adult that makes a young person feel they can confide in them.

Tolerant and accepting

The issue of stigma regarding psychological difficulties is one which has been widely discussed, and is very much seen as a barrier to intervention. Young people are far more likely to approach those whom they know have a tolerant and accepting attitude towards psychological difficulties rather than those whom they perceive to be disparaging or intolerant of such problems. Therefore, the way in which one discusses or talks about psychological problems already sets the scene for whether or not a teenager is likely to approach in case of difficulties.

Respect

Another significant point is the central importance of the respect which the adult shows to the young person. It cannot be over emphasised that for a young person to describe their own internal world at a time when they feel close to crisis takes a huge amount of courage, and the response of the adult is crucial.

Not judging or trivialising

The most important aspect is to listen carefully and calmly without judging and without jumping to conclusions. Not only must the adult respect the young person, but they must also respect their account of their difficulties. In other words, one cannot trivialise the symptoms, cannot say, in a dismissive way, that everybody experiences such symptoms, or indeed that the young person has much to be thankful for and aren’t there those who have much greater difficulties.

Allow the young person to talk

It is not a time, when listening to a young person’s story, for drawing premature conclusions or cutting them short. The young person is the expert in their own story. It is also worth remembering that young people, in describing such symptoms, may not always feel ready to describe their most pressing concerns, and often, especially if there are particular on-going stressors, may provide a “test case” of such difficulties in order to see how the adult responds.

Don’t guarantee confidentiality

In situations where young people describe episodes of abuse, either physical sexual or emotional, it is absolutely critical that the adult does not give a guarantee of confidentiality to the young person, however much the young person seeks it. To do so, while often based on compassionate grounds, serves to compromise the adult, to undermine the rights of the parent, and indeed on occasion to thwart due process (when the issue is more appropriately dealt with by the civil authorities).

Listening

In a situation where an adult forms the impression, either from their own observations or from information passed on from others, that a young person is particularly low in mood, or at risk of self-harm or indeed suicide, an approach needs to be made to the young person.

It may well be that the adult who has formed the impression is the best person to do so, or perhaps there is another adult with a more developed relationship with the young person who might be more appropriate. In either event, once the initial approach is made, the importance of listening empathically and without judgement to the young person’s answers is critical.

Discussion does not cause suicide

There is a diminishing, although unfortunately still prevalent, mistaken belief that discussing the topic of suicide is merely implanting this into the young person’s mind. This is not true.

It is important that, in situations where it appears that it needs to be asked, the adult does not shy away from asking very specifically about whether or not the young person feels their life is no longer worth living, whether or not they have in any way harmed themselves in the past, or whether they have plans to do so in the future. It is crucial that the adult can tolerate the young person’s distress, because this is very containing and comforting for the young person.

Under 18s

In either event, if one is dealing with a young person under the age of eighteen, it is essential that the young person’s parents be first informed. The one exception to this is if there are sufficient grounds for concern that a young person has been the victim of some form of abuse at home and that his or her parents may not have the young person’s best interest at heart, then one should approach the civil authorities, most often the HSE Child Protection Team.

Getting support

However, in the more usual situation, it is important that young people can be reassured, in so far as possible, that their feelings are both validated but also that help is available, and that advice can be given on whom to contact.

In situations where there is a level of unhappiness without any concern regarding self-harm or suicide, then there may well be people locally, either within schools, youth clubs or other organisations, who can support the young person. If there are concerns regarding self-harm or significantly lower mood, then parents are best advised to discuss matters with their family G.P. who will know both the family history and also the range of appropriate local options.

Helping students – Do’s

  • Do befriend when appropriate
  • Do consider the possibility of suicide
  • Do focus on the pain
  • Do ask if suicide is on their minds
  • Do get involved
  • Do allow them to express feeling
  • DO LISTEN
  • Do make life an option for them
  • Do be non-judgmental
  • Do get help and support for yourself as well
  • Do stay with the person at risk

Helping Students – Don’ts

  • Don’t lecture or moralise or give advice
  • Don’t think it is a passing phase
  • Don’t brush off feelings with inane remarks
  • Don’t be afraid that you will instil the idea
  • Don’t do nothing
  • Don’t trample on feelings
  • DON’T TALK TOO MUCH
  • Don’t dare them to follow through with suicide
  • Don’t react verbally or physically with shock
  • Don’t go it alone
  • Don’t leave the person alone
  • Don’t promise not to tell anyone