The role of the listener

For parents the role of listener can be a bit unnerving. As parents we are much more used to talking, to taking charge of our teens and being the source of information. In terms of assisting a teen who wants to express themselves to us we need to become more passive.

The funny thing is that listening seems to be so challenging when actually it can be quickly and easily learnt by using the techniques of Active Listening. Active Listening is widely used by helplines such as the Samaritans as it allows a consistent approach, established empathy but, importantly, also allows the listener to keep distance between themselves and the person who wants to talk.

General guidance

It is actually ok to ask teens about their mental state. We need to know where their thoughts are going even though it may seem challenging.

So how do you ask a teen about their thinking?

  • DO be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
  • DO Listen. Let the person unload despair, ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.
  • DO be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.
  • DO offer hope. Reassure them that help is available and that these dark, possibly suicidal feelings, are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
  • If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head; you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.
  • DON’T argue with them. Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," or “Look on the bright side.”
  • DON’T act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that thinking these thoughts is wrong.
  • DON’T promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life could be at stake and you may need to speak to a health professional in order to keep your teen safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.
  • DON’T offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.
  • DON’T blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression, only support them, seek professional assistance and offer love.